Celebrity big brother?

Sometimes I hate journalists. There wasn't a single person who went into Big Brother tonight who hadn't been predicted to enter in the pages of the Star, or Mirror, or Financial Times. I despise BB. Then I watch it and feel neurons and synapses which should be engaged elsewhere giving up the ghost.
But enough of the banter: Here's the lowdown -

Latoya Jackson: Sharing Michael's name and gristly little nose, this music megastar (what the fuck has she ever sung?) has got as much chance of winning as her brother has of frowning. And not fancying kids.

Mingya Buena (?): Super ugly total chav with skin markings like the back of my notepad during Gedney Parish Council. Leaving her child to waltz in is bad enough. She has an entire block of zinc instead of a head, and a voice that only a mother could love, particularly a council estate 13-year-old mutant inner city mother.

Verne Troyer: As a man of stunted proportions, I'm a fan. Giving him a suitcase the size of Norway didn't help. though.

Tommy Sheridan: Looks pretty slick. People booing him was quite funny, since they didn't a) know who he was and b) understand his politics. Booing him because he's a Scot is reason enough I guess. My pick to go first.

Lucy Pinder: Wonderful. Won't win but I don't care.

Ben Adams: Looks cute but...why A1 anyway? Why not A1073 or Wygate Road?

Some woman from Shameless: One of the most ghastly scousers since Robbie Fowler, this asteroid-like creature slimed its way in in a dress which looked like sweepings from the Woolworths stockroom. Apparently she has obsessive compulsive disorder , particularly where Toblerones and cheap chicken nuggets are concerned. And as butch as hell: If Michelle is in Liberty X, she's Liberty XY, if you know what I mean.

Coolio: As he walked through the shadow of the valley of death (otherwise known as Davina McCall's long term career) I noticed he had a pale, emotionless, bright white mask attached to his face, which was clearly a homage to Latoya's brother. A contender to win, but probably won't give a shit.

Michelle Heaton: Looked pretty damn foxy to be honest, and took the piss out of herself, so bonus marks.

Terry Christian: Dark horse to win it. Will be infuriating, controversial, and will say what he thinks.

Ulrika Jonsssson: Super Swedish Slapper who was the only one who could climb the steps in one stride, such is her groinal over-usage. I would say that no man will be left standing by the end, and even if they are, she'll no doubt be on her knees facing them at the time.

My first impressions are never right on BB or CBB. But it's still fun.