Thursday 22 January 2009

Gloom

See my last link for the relevance of this:

http://www.holdthefrontpage.co.uk/news/090119centralsub.shtml

The atmosphere in our newsroom can be but with a knife sometimes - and it seems like it's going to get a hell of a lot worse before it (ever?) gets better...

Sunday 18 January 2009

Curry on puking

The last blog entry was a little bit sharp, a little abridged, mainly because my stomach was starting to declare war on my body after a particularly virulent strain of dopiaza which attacked my mouth and anus, forcing immediate evacuation. Not good for me or Em or toilet. Saturday was a complete write-off - I lay in bed all day, getting up only to moan, sweat, urinate, sip water, and read very briefly. I hadn't been ill like this in years. The last time was on a flight from Istanbul to London, where I managed to be sick three times in three different countries. but even that paled in significance to the curry carnage of last weekend.

The worst thing is that I couldn't even disguise it. When I'm sick my head explodes. My eye-lids and temples burst, leaving little specks of ugly blood across my face which remain for several days, like some sort of tribal warmask. They've just about gone now.

Random observations:

*At least my football team is doing well - a 2-1 come-from-behind win over Blackpool makes the City 5 games unbeaten, with a second-string defence. Torquay away next, the sort of nasty little cup game which Cov can always be relied upon to struggle through. In my lifetime we've lost to so many of these teams - Sutton Utd, Luton, Hereford, Cambridge et al. Plus life-and-death struggles with Woking and Wycombe. Setanta, helpfully, have produced a series of adverts based on FA Cup upsets to remind me of the Gandergreen Lane debacle, when Matt Hanlon scored against us for very non-league Sutton in '89, when we still had most of the team which had won the blasted thing two years earlier.

* A point I made last week worth re-iterating: How come Ronaldo can write-off a high performance sports car leaving debris littered all over the road and sides of a Manchester tunnel
and get out unscathed - and yet the moment an opposing centre-half taps his calf he goes down like he's been shot in the scrotum?

*The jobs situation continues to worsen. Everyone knows about Woolies and Adams, but we as journos hear rumours constantly about other businesses falling away, roles being terminated, lives being ruined. And now the changes are its affecting us. We were waiting for the announcement and it finally came on Friday; Subbing (i.e putting the stories on the page) is to be centralised to Peterborough, affecting three different zones across East England. 33 production posts will become 14, grouping people from Louth and Sleaford and Spalding and Stamford and elsewhere all into one office. It's horrible news and leaves a lot of people up in the air. Will keep you informed.

Take care

John

Friday 9 January 2009

Beastenders

Eastenders tonight (Friday) -total, utter bollocks on a level that's sweaty and nasty and fetid.

1) THE most unrealistic job interview ever. A barmaid's job where the applicant is asked to add £3.17 and £43.67 and €67.32 and 13 guineas in her head. What a crock of shit. Then there's the young girl, with a face like her nose is being sucked into her arsehole, storming out after a banal discussion and argument about films and being chased by the interviewer like an exterminator chasing after an errant earwig. Absolute poo.
At 1 in the morning no-one cares about the mathematic prowess of the barmaid. They want boobs and a smile and the desperate, clinging hope that they may get lucky, despite the fact they've got as much chance of copping off as Vanessa Feltz has of becoming president of Haiti.

2) The Book club - every so often, when scriptwriters reach a wall thicker than Pat Butchers' hair lacquer, they come up with an unrealistic,sideshow, that somehow everyone seems to have a passion for but no-one has ever mentioned before. The blokes set up a football club and build up an inevitable grudge match to Ali-Frazier levels, despite the fact that no-one ever mentions West Ham or any London team, ever. I'm sure Dot Cotton set up an S/M club, and I know Ian Beale formed a hard right extremist group. All fallen by the wayside, as will this "saucy" book club within two weeks.

I honestly believe that if Eastenders started now it would be pulled within six months. It's awful, but people seem brainwashed by it. None of the characters are remotely believable - an example; over Xmas, Shaun , the grumpy, hopeless, lethargic, permanently unemployed basket case, was seen to set up speakers and sing a load of festive shite in the middle of Albert Square, in total contrast to his usual moody "I'm brooding but wearing a T-shirt that's got gravy and Pringles crumbs down it" sort of way that makes him the most uncharismatic twat ever to walk into the soap. It was a weak, lazy ploy to add extra emphasis and contrast to his Hamlet-esque wailing when he later finds out that the Garbage Pail kid that Ronnie has been parading round for several weeks did not spring from his sweaty loins. To suddenly make him happy so he would seem more sad later was weak, incoherent and crap.

I still watch it though.

Tuesday 6 January 2009

A week to forget

Even by Onion standards this one's incredible:

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/apple_introduces_revolutionary

My highlight is the predictive text options - awesome.

On a more sombre note this has been the worst start to a new year I can remember. I'm sure you all saw the story of the 30-year-old woman killed at a crossing yesterday when her car was hit by a train. There are all sorts of things I could tell you but won't. However I can tell you this - my fiancee worked with the lady who was killed, and I met her several times. She was a very nice person - friendly and chatty, always calling everyone "mate" in typical Lincolnshire style.

On Saturday Emma and I went into Spalding to book our holiday. About three months ago we took out a loan to clear debts. Whatever would be left over would be put towards a fantastic holiday. Our choice was Borneo - a dream destination of tropics, Orang-Utans and jungle adventures.

The price was not small so we decided to take the rest of the weekend to consider it. And if any one incident could make us think that we should grasp life and take every opportunity we can. So we booked the holiday.

Just thinking of the chain of events that led to the accident fills me with dread. If we can believe the precise timings, if she had stalled her car on the way she would have survived. If she had taken a different route. If she had dropped her handbag on the way to the car. Much virtue in If...

With the Bakkavor news it's been an incredible, horrendous week.

Take care

Friday 2 January 2009

Celebrity big brother?

Sometimes I hate journalists. There wasn't a single person who went into Big Brother tonight who hadn't been predicted to enter in the pages of the Star, or Mirror, or Financial Times. I despise BB. Then I watch it and feel neurons and synapses which should be engaged elsewhere giving up the ghost.
But enough of the banter: Here's the lowdown -

Latoya Jackson: Sharing Michael's name and gristly little nose, this music megastar (what the fuck has she ever sung?) has got as much chance of winning as her brother has of frowning. And not fancying kids.

Mingya Buena (?): Super ugly total chav with skin markings like the back of my notepad during Gedney Parish Council. Leaving her child to waltz in is bad enough. She has an entire block of zinc instead of a head, and a voice that only a mother could love, particularly a council estate 13-year-old mutant inner city mother.

Verne Troyer: As a man of stunted proportions, I'm a fan. Giving him a suitcase the size of Norway didn't help. though.

Tommy Sheridan: Looks pretty slick. People booing him was quite funny, since they didn't a) know who he was and b) understand his politics. Booing him because he's a Scot is reason enough I guess. My pick to go first.

Lucy Pinder: Wonderful. Won't win but I don't care.

Ben Adams: Looks cute but...why A1 anyway? Why not A1073 or Wygate Road?

Some woman from Shameless: One of the most ghastly scousers since Robbie Fowler, this asteroid-like creature slimed its way in in a dress which looked like sweepings from the Woolworths stockroom. Apparently she has obsessive compulsive disorder , particularly where Toblerones and cheap chicken nuggets are concerned. And as butch as hell: If Michelle is in Liberty X, she's Liberty XY, if you know what I mean.

Coolio: As he walked through the shadow of the valley of death (otherwise known as Davina McCall's long term career) I noticed he had a pale, emotionless, bright white mask attached to his face, which was clearly a homage to Latoya's brother. A contender to win, but probably won't give a shit.

Michelle Heaton: Looked pretty damn foxy to be honest, and took the piss out of herself, so bonus marks.

Terry Christian: Dark horse to win it. Will be infuriating, controversial, and will say what he thinks.

Ulrika Jonsssson: Super Swedish Slapper who was the only one who could climb the steps in one stride, such is her groinal over-usage. I would say that no man will be left standing by the end, and even if they are, she'll no doubt be on her knees facing them at the time.

My first impressions are never right on BB or CBB. But it's still fun.

Thursday 1 January 2009

New Year, old me

Firstly happy 2009!

Probably one of the best New Year's Eves I've had in some time. Had a good curry which was punctuated by one of the staff constantly coming over to adjust a dial or something or other which was located not a million miles away from my rump. Apparently they were having electrical problems and he was looking at fuses - a likely story when there's some prime ass like mine to be viewed. In case you're interested, lamb Dopiaza, Sag paneer (cheese and spinach, which is a lot nicer than it sounds) and copious amounts of Kingfisher lager.

And then on to the midnight celebrations with me girlie Emma and friend and colleague Adam in the Hole in the Wall. A few goths and teenage arseholes around, but overall a really-good natured night. Some sambuccas guaranteed that this morning was a total write-off but this afternoon was spent productively perusing Lara's pixels on tomb raider, eating Pringles and generally wasting my life.

A bad start then to one of my new year's resolutions - to lose weight. Another is to update this blog more regularly, because I know now that some people do actually read it. Thanks for comments and stuff - if you have a chance to post anything on it feel free. The more abusive and funny the better.

Speak soon.