Random thoughts with a sprinkling of jokes

Whay did Princess Diana cross the road? Momentum.

Been away for a while now so hello to anyone who read the lack of posts and wondered if I'd died, or evaporated, or perhaps gone to live as a beggar in Sudan licking the feet of rich European visitors to earn dollars.

The truth is laziness mixed with apathy blended with a hectic jetsetting lifestyle. In the last week alone I've played in a ukulele gig, been to a comedy night, judged a cookery contest, gone to an auction, driven to Coventry, had friends down from Scotland, booked tickets to the Towers of London, and built a giant flying dolphin from DNA strains in tuna cans to take me over Mount Everest.

My philosophy is that if I don't have anything funny or interesting to say I won't write, rather than just dumping some literary turd all over a page for the sake of it. I'm not politically correct but I don't really care.

Having said that, I do have a level that I won't cross, unlike a comedian from last week who was telling some seriously sick jokes such as the one at the top of the page. Not sure where the boundary is. But if I ever became a stand-up, it wouldn't be through jokes like that.

"Asbos are now seen as some sort of badge of honour, they say in the news. What sort of honour is that? When I was a lad the Blue Peter badge was the one to get. Now that was a badge of honour. Now you're more lilely to see girls wearing badges saying "I Blue Peter" and Blokes wearing badges saying "I Blue Peter away."

There you go. That's my effort!

Random rubbish:

*Watching Coyote Ugly as I write this. Whatever happened to Piper Perabo? And where the hell did her parents pick up the name? My guess is that she was messed up. The Perabo surname sounds like a Venezuelan drug pusher, Piper sounds like the name of a 19-year-old Canadian hippy or something.

*The final X Factor 12 - the worst line-up since a queue formed for one of Max Moseley's special parties. Speaking of which, I've invited Seal, S Club 7 and We are Scientists to form a new collaboration at my Christmas party. They're called We Club Seals. Looking forward to it.

*Off to Warsaw in three weeks' time. In case you ask, yes, I have pact. Some will laugh at that. The others? Just google it.