Firstly, take a look at this. Hilarious.
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/citing_poor_conditions_china
Olympics tomorrow. All looking forward to it I'm sure, but my letter to the Olympic committee for new events didn't get anywhere. Imagine if these beauties had taken place.
1) The steroid sprint: Everyone in athletics has taken drugs and is on drugs and eats drugs for breakfast, elevenses, lunch, late lunch (although with an injection of these babies you'll never be late) dinner, and tea. The obvious solution is to let them fill up on juice and go for it. Imagine the results - An 8 second 100 metres, which would have been 6 had one competitor not attacked the others with a sharpened crispy duck pancake in roid rage. The urine test afterwards would be like Mount Vesuvius. And the post-race interview would feature more obscenity than Jade Goody wrestling Amy Winehouse naked in Jalfrezi sauce. Although at least Chambers would do well...
2) Backwards walking: The most ridiculous event in the whole games is walking, so let's make it even more ridiculous.They have to go backwards, uphill, dressed as David Bowie circa 1972, while random lorries of varying sizes carrying, oh let's say baboons, come down the hill playing happy hardcore, and nuns and penguins wrestle in the background.
3) Pub Darts: Imagine the Gods seated around Mt Olympus with wise Zeus stroking his chin in wonderment at the feats of physical and mental strength below. Then imagine their contempt as the track and field dissipates in a cloud of smoke. When the mist clears, a 30 stone man eats a steak pie before climbing to his pustule ridden feet, slobbering to the oche and wrapping a grisly mutant hand around a dart and throwing it with all the exertion of an anorexic lettuce into a rubberised board. The gods would weep, and I, in my curry stained dressing gown, would smile.
4) Smog parachuting: As we are well aware, the smog in Beijing is of an exquisite quality. The The winner of a 13,000ft skydive would be the one who dives through the polluted sky and lands with the most limbs.
5) The tibet triathlon: Specifically for Tibetan protestors, the triathlon starts with competitors taking on a 2,000 mile run over broken glass carrying a buffalo, then a 100 mile cycle ride on one of those bikes where you turn the handlebars left and it turns right, concluded with the 100 mile swim along the Yangtze River, while cruel Chinese dictators follow playing that "ooh ooh" song from the 5,6,7,8s.
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/citing_poor_conditions_china
Olympics tomorrow. All looking forward to it I'm sure, but my letter to the Olympic committee for new events didn't get anywhere. Imagine if these beauties had taken place.
1) The steroid sprint: Everyone in athletics has taken drugs and is on drugs and eats drugs for breakfast, elevenses, lunch, late lunch (although with an injection of these babies you'll never be late) dinner, and tea. The obvious solution is to let them fill up on juice and go for it. Imagine the results - An 8 second 100 metres, which would have been 6 had one competitor not attacked the others with a sharpened crispy duck pancake in roid rage. The urine test afterwards would be like Mount Vesuvius. And the post-race interview would feature more obscenity than Jade Goody wrestling Amy Winehouse naked in Jalfrezi sauce. Although at least Chambers would do well...
2) Backwards walking: The most ridiculous event in the whole games is walking, so let's make it even more ridiculous.They have to go backwards, uphill, dressed as David Bowie circa 1972, while random lorries of varying sizes carrying, oh let's say baboons, come down the hill playing happy hardcore, and nuns and penguins wrestle in the background.
3) Pub Darts: Imagine the Gods seated around Mt Olympus with wise Zeus stroking his chin in wonderment at the feats of physical and mental strength below. Then imagine their contempt as the track and field dissipates in a cloud of smoke. When the mist clears, a 30 stone man eats a steak pie before climbing to his pustule ridden feet, slobbering to the oche and wrapping a grisly mutant hand around a dart and throwing it with all the exertion of an anorexic lettuce into a rubberised board. The gods would weep, and I, in my curry stained dressing gown, would smile.
4) Smog parachuting: As we are well aware, the smog in Beijing is of an exquisite quality. The The winner of a 13,000ft skydive would be the one who dives through the polluted sky and lands with the most limbs.
5) The tibet triathlon: Specifically for Tibetan protestors, the triathlon starts with competitors taking on a 2,000 mile run over broken glass carrying a buffalo, then a 100 mile cycle ride on one of those bikes where you turn the handlebars left and it turns right, concluded with the 100 mile swim along the Yangtze River, while cruel Chinese dictators follow playing that "ooh ooh" song from the 5,6,7,8s.
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