Olympic scam uncovered

The Olympics have been soured like cream tonight by allegations that some of Great Britain's Olympic medal wins have been made up by the BBC.

Using hi-tech graphics, computer-generated soundbites and downright jiggery-pokery the broadcaster has been accused of "conjuring up a load of shite" to make Britain seem great.

The shock claim has been made by disgruntled ex-employee Barry Sport-zpauper, who approached the Comedy Guy journalists after being sacked this afternoon for uncovering shocking dossiers of how the scams happened.

The journalist and retired weasel wrestler told Comedyguy that the real British team were the biggest bunch of misfits, miscreants and mindshits outside of Johnston Press.

He said: "The BBC has been planning this bollocks for years, ever since it realised that people like Gabby Logan are dull as turnips and wouldn't recognise a sharp bit of broadcasting if it bit her in the arse like a leech.

"It knew that as a state broadcast machine it needed to make the Olympics seem as hip and right-on as possible with London coming up god-nows-how-many-thousand-days-that-we-will-no-doubt-be-reminded-of-interminable-times later. We needed definite winners.

"With that in mind it created graphics of the athletes to use in its footage which could be superimposed over the real sportsmen, to prevent us from seeing Chris Hoy peddling round the track backwards and Louis Smith turning up for the gymnastics wearing giant foam hands."

According to Sport-zpauper BBC officials have resorted to desperate measures to "fill in the gaps" when they trawled their archives but were unable to find footage of the athletes.

The journalist said he discovered something was up when he read some notes on Christine Ohurougu "racing" two months ago.

He said: "Ohuruogu is classically forgetful and hasn't even turned up in Beijing. Last time we heard she was seen renting a little apartment in Eastbourne pretending she was called Keith.

"We knew she wasn't going to show, but because she hasn't competed since 1998 in anything meaningful we had trouble getting footage of her.

"So we chose some poor lass from some other country - Ghana, or possibly Guernsey I think it was - while superimposing pre-prepared footage of Floella Benjamin - the closest approximation we had - onto the screen on top of her.

"In the screen I, and everyone at home, could see a heavily pixellated Benjamin outstripping Sanya Richards like she was outpacing Little Ted and Jemima.

"In actual fact we finished with bugger-all medals and people literally pissing on their GB flags around the stadium. It was an absolute Jim Davidson of a joke."

Sport-zpauper said other footage disguising was even more incredible.

"We had a boxer who was so inept that he knocked himself out after he tripped on a pie as he climbed into the ring. Because of headguard graphics we were able to replace this cretin with footage of George Foreman from the Mexico Olympics of 1968 superimposed over another fighter in another fight.

"The fact that he was in black-and-white while his opponent was in full colour hasn't been picked up on yet.

"Then there was the rower in the coxless fours who had not only forgotten his oars, but also his clothes and worryingly, his sexuality.

"Tina Cook turned up on some sort of moose/toad hybrid in the equestrian, while Becky Adlington torched a whole wing of the Olympic Village because she believed she was the reincarnation of Boudicca.

"All of them were recreated, botched, pasted or forced into footage to con the great British public, while arseholes like that bloke from Blue Peter prattled on about it."

With the schemes in place GB has disguised its position as not only being bottom of the medals table but also on minus figures, such is the embarrassment the country has caused its inscrutable guests.

Sport-zpauper said that newspapers and radio had joined in with the con to get better reader figures.

He said that he felt he had an obligation to uncover the truth to the great British public.

Plus, he added: "I'm sick and tired of Bradley Wiggins' blatant cleptomania being disguised on-screen - the twat took my copy of Great Expectations the other day."