Please leave my front garden alone

This straight talk appeared in this week's Spalding Guardian - enjoy!

THIS is a direct plea to some of the people of Spalding, some of whom can help, and some of whom are a hindrance.
On West Marsh Road there is a facility called the Household Recycling Centre. People can take rubbish of all kinds there. It’s good.
In addition you may have noticed the existence of small black receptacles strapped to lamp-posts that can accept items which once held substances such as food. These receptacles are known as dustbins. Many people even have them at home.
But my front garden, although unkempt, is NOT one of these receptacles.
I arrived back from holiday recently to find that some lowlife had deposited two cardboard pizza packages, complete with crust, in my pathway.
A can of partially-drained super strength lager embroidered the scene with extra quality, while white greasy paper of unknown origin fluttered casually from one of my bushes like some grotesque flag.
This is by no means uncommon. I often see one gentleman as I walk to work clearing detritus from his front lawn, and other notable incidents include a full takeaway meal and mayonnaise being cruelly spread across the bonnet of someone’s car.
Most of these deposits could be passed away as drunken hi-jinx or laziness, but they are still incredibly annoying, environmentally damaging, laborious for the council, and potentially dangerous to small animals.
Two or three times I’ve nearly caught the offenders in the act near my home; an emptied packet of Monster Munch fluttering in the autumn air suspended only by a chav’s claw, until that chav sees a furious little Victor Meldrew figure sat in his armchair, and moves on.
But we can’t keep an eye out all the time, so what are the options available to us?
Since CCTV is pointless, a taller fence is too expensive, and mantraps and armed guards too illegal, I am restricted to what I can do.
So I’m calling on you, the people of Spalding, to help me in my hour of need and tell me the ways you’ve come up with to stop people throwing rubbish into your garden.
You can email me with your ideas at john.baker@jpress.co.uk. We may even print some of the better or sillier ones at a later date.
And if you are one of these depositors take your waste back to your own cess pit and bury yourself in it!

Couple of other things:

*The first two stages of my five-way bet came off - Mayweather beat Marquez, and somebody called Pianeta beat Matt Skelton. It's worth about £120, so fingers crossed...
*X Factor this year is appallingly predictable.