Noel, oh Hell

Christmas is here. Enjoying it so far but there's still time for me to become a grumpy old curmudgeon, muttering swearwords at children playing hoops on the streets from beneath my top hat and cursing the world and its festive happiness.

Already sick of a couple of adverts though. That "Here come the girls" Boots abomination for example. The lustre, for me, was somewhat tarnished when I saw said song being ravaged by the Sugababes on some ITV shambles called "A night in with slappers" or something. They were dancing in a random, twisted fashion, as if shots of sporadic electrical voltage were being passed through their loins. Both the vocals and movements left me unsatisfied, which is rare when the Sugababes are concerned.

So that advert, where hordes of rampant menopausal, desperate or even worse intelligent women throw on a load of slap prowl for any flesh with a Y chromosome inside it really isn't my cup of vodka.

Equally that "If there's anything that you want" advert. I don't even know who it's an advert for. possibly Tesco or Argos. Maybe Woolies. Or Rumbelows. Don't know, don't care. I've heard it far too many times to enjoy now.

I saw the Coca Cola advert for the first time yesterday with the convoy of trucks going up the mountains. A great ad, although that amount of coke would only feed my brother for a day or two. I wonder where they go for the rest of the year. And do the drivers have any other songs on their radio other than "Holidays are coming"? And wouldn't it be funny if they opened the doors and someone had replaced the whole stock, bottle for bottle, with Panda Cola. "I knew we shouldn't have stopped off in Wisbech" would be the cry.

Started thinking about presents as well. Already given a few people my patented algebra advent calendar, where you have to work out the equation to figure out which flap to open - an incorrect answer leads to a poison dart or plague of locusts flying out. This morning I got a few angry phonecalls from devastated farmers and the police. You win some, you lose some.

The tree's up and the neighbours aren't happy. Still, if they had a 500ft tall Christmas tree/stinging nettle hybrid, surely they'd want to show it off too? I'll admit the giant barbary apes living inside are noisy, but they'll settle down soon. Either that or they'll freeze to death and crash through the roofs of the houses below, settling the problem.

Take it easy

John