Eastenders tonight (Friday) -total, utter bollocks on a level that's sweaty and nasty and fetid.
1) THE most unrealistic job interview ever. A barmaid's job where the applicant is asked to add £3.17 and £43.67 and €67.32 and 13 guineas in her head. What a crock of shit. Then there's the young girl, with a face like her nose is being sucked into her arsehole, storming out after a banal discussion and argument about films and being chased by the interviewer like an exterminator chasing after an errant earwig. Absolute poo.
At 1 in the morning no-one cares about the mathematic prowess of the barmaid. They want boobs and a smile and the desperate, clinging hope that they may get lucky, despite the fact they've got as much chance of copping off as Vanessa Feltz has of becoming president of Haiti.
2) The Book club - every so often, when scriptwriters reach a wall thicker than Pat Butchers' hair lacquer, they come up with an unrealistic,sideshow, that somehow everyone seems to have a passion for but no-one has ever mentioned before. The blokes set up a football club and build up an inevitable grudge match to Ali-Frazier levels, despite the fact that no-one ever mentions West Ham or any London team, ever. I'm sure Dot Cotton set up an S/M club, and I know Ian Beale formed a hard right extremist group. All fallen by the wayside, as will this "saucy" book club within two weeks.
I honestly believe that if Eastenders started now it would be pulled within six months. It's awful, but people seem brainwashed by it. None of the characters are remotely believable - an example; over Xmas, Shaun , the grumpy, hopeless, lethargic, permanently unemployed basket case, was seen to set up speakers and sing a load of festive shite in the middle of Albert Square, in total contrast to his usual moody "I'm brooding but wearing a T-shirt that's got gravy and Pringles crumbs down it" sort of way that makes him the most uncharismatic twat ever to walk into the soap. It was a weak, lazy ploy to add extra emphasis and contrast to his Hamlet-esque wailing when he later finds out that the Garbage Pail kid that Ronnie has been parading round for several weeks did not spring from his sweaty loins. To suddenly make him happy so he would seem more sad later was weak, incoherent and crap.
I still watch it though.
Friday, 9 January 2009
Tuesday, 6 January 2009
A week to forget
Even by Onion standards this one's incredible:
http://www.theonion.com/content/video/apple_introduces_revolutionary
My highlight is the predictive text options - awesome.
On a more sombre note this has been the worst start to a new year I can remember. I'm sure you all saw the story of the 30-year-old woman killed at a crossing yesterday when her car was hit by a train. There are all sorts of things I could tell you but won't. However I can tell you this - my fiancee worked with the lady who was killed, and I met her several times. She was a very nice person - friendly and chatty, always calling everyone "mate" in typical Lincolnshire style.
On Saturday Emma and I went into Spalding to book our holiday. About three months ago we took out a loan to clear debts. Whatever would be left over would be put towards a fantastic holiday. Our choice was Borneo - a dream destination of tropics, Orang-Utans and jungle adventures.
The price was not small so we decided to take the rest of the weekend to consider it. And if any one incident could make us think that we should grasp life and take every opportunity we can. So we booked the holiday.
Just thinking of the chain of events that led to the accident fills me with dread. If we can believe the precise timings, if she had stalled her car on the way she would have survived. If she had taken a different route. If she had dropped her handbag on the way to the car. Much virtue in If...
With the Bakkavor news it's been an incredible, horrendous week.
Take care
http://www.theonion.com/content/video/apple_introduces_revolutionary
My highlight is the predictive text options - awesome.
On a more sombre note this has been the worst start to a new year I can remember. I'm sure you all saw the story of the 30-year-old woman killed at a crossing yesterday when her car was hit by a train. There are all sorts of things I could tell you but won't. However I can tell you this - my fiancee worked with the lady who was killed, and I met her several times. She was a very nice person - friendly and chatty, always calling everyone "mate" in typical Lincolnshire style.
On Saturday Emma and I went into Spalding to book our holiday. About three months ago we took out a loan to clear debts. Whatever would be left over would be put towards a fantastic holiday. Our choice was Borneo - a dream destination of tropics, Orang-Utans and jungle adventures.
The price was not small so we decided to take the rest of the weekend to consider it. And if any one incident could make us think that we should grasp life and take every opportunity we can. So we booked the holiday.
Just thinking of the chain of events that led to the accident fills me with dread. If we can believe the precise timings, if she had stalled her car on the way she would have survived. If she had taken a different route. If she had dropped her handbag on the way to the car. Much virtue in If...
With the Bakkavor news it's been an incredible, horrendous week.
Take care
Friday, 2 January 2009
Celebrity big brother?
Sometimes I hate journalists. There wasn't a single person who went into Big Brother tonight who hadn't been predicted to enter in the pages of the Star, or Mirror, or Financial Times. I despise BB. Then I watch it and feel neurons and synapses which should be engaged elsewhere giving up the ghost.
But enough of the banter: Here's the lowdown -
Latoya Jackson: Sharing Michael's name and gristly little nose, this music megastar (what the fuck has she ever sung?) has got as much chance of winning as her brother has of frowning. And not fancying kids.
Mingya Buena (?): Super ugly total chav with skin markings like the back of my notepad during Gedney Parish Council. Leaving her child to waltz in is bad enough. She has an entire block of zinc instead of a head, and a voice that only a mother could love, particularly a council estate 13-year-old mutant inner city mother.
Verne Troyer: As a man of stunted proportions, I'm a fan. Giving him a suitcase the size of Norway didn't help. though.
Tommy Sheridan: Looks pretty slick. People booing him was quite funny, since they didn't a) know who he was and b) understand his politics. Booing him because he's a Scot is reason enough I guess. My pick to go first.
Lucy Pinder: Wonderful. Won't win but I don't care.
Ben Adams: Looks cute but...why A1 anyway? Why not A1073 or Wygate Road?
Some woman from Shameless: One of the most ghastly scousers since Robbie Fowler, this asteroid-like creature slimed its way in in a dress which looked like sweepings from the Woolworths stockroom. Apparently she has obsessive compulsive disorder , particularly where Toblerones and cheap chicken nuggets are concerned. And as butch as hell: If Michelle is in Liberty X, she's Liberty XY, if you know what I mean.
Coolio: As he walked through the shadow of the valley of death (otherwise known as Davina McCall's long term career) I noticed he had a pale, emotionless, bright white mask attached to his face, which was clearly a homage to Latoya's brother. A contender to win, but probably won't give a shit.
Michelle Heaton: Looked pretty damn foxy to be honest, and took the piss out of herself, so bonus marks.
Terry Christian: Dark horse to win it. Will be infuriating, controversial, and will say what he thinks.
Ulrika Jonsssson: Super Swedish Slapper who was the only one who could climb the steps in one stride, such is her groinal over-usage. I would say that no man will be left standing by the end, and even if they are, she'll no doubt be on her knees facing them at the time.
My first impressions are never right on BB or CBB. But it's still fun.
But enough of the banter: Here's the lowdown -
Latoya Jackson: Sharing Michael's name and gristly little nose, this music megastar (what the fuck has she ever sung?) has got as much chance of winning as her brother has of frowning. And not fancying kids.
Mingya Buena (?): Super ugly total chav with skin markings like the back of my notepad during Gedney Parish Council. Leaving her child to waltz in is bad enough. She has an entire block of zinc instead of a head, and a voice that only a mother could love, particularly a council estate 13-year-old mutant inner city mother.
Verne Troyer: As a man of stunted proportions, I'm a fan. Giving him a suitcase the size of Norway didn't help. though.
Tommy Sheridan: Looks pretty slick. People booing him was quite funny, since they didn't a) know who he was and b) understand his politics. Booing him because he's a Scot is reason enough I guess. My pick to go first.
Lucy Pinder: Wonderful. Won't win but I don't care.
Ben Adams: Looks cute but...why A1 anyway? Why not A1073 or Wygate Road?
Some woman from Shameless: One of the most ghastly scousers since Robbie Fowler, this asteroid-like creature slimed its way in in a dress which looked like sweepings from the Woolworths stockroom. Apparently she has obsessive compulsive disorder , particularly where Toblerones and cheap chicken nuggets are concerned. And as butch as hell: If Michelle is in Liberty X, she's Liberty XY, if you know what I mean.
Coolio: As he walked through the shadow of the valley of death (otherwise known as Davina McCall's long term career) I noticed he had a pale, emotionless, bright white mask attached to his face, which was clearly a homage to Latoya's brother. A contender to win, but probably won't give a shit.
Michelle Heaton: Looked pretty damn foxy to be honest, and took the piss out of herself, so bonus marks.
Terry Christian: Dark horse to win it. Will be infuriating, controversial, and will say what he thinks.
Ulrika Jonsssson: Super Swedish Slapper who was the only one who could climb the steps in one stride, such is her groinal over-usage. I would say that no man will be left standing by the end, and even if they are, she'll no doubt be on her knees facing them at the time.
My first impressions are never right on BB or CBB. But it's still fun.
Thursday, 1 January 2009
New Year, old me
Firstly happy 2009!
Probably one of the best New Year's Eves I've had in some time. Had a good curry which was punctuated by one of the staff constantly coming over to adjust a dial or something or other which was located not a million miles away from my rump. Apparently they were having electrical problems and he was looking at fuses - a likely story when there's some prime ass like mine to be viewed. In case you're interested, lamb Dopiaza, Sag paneer (cheese and spinach, which is a lot nicer than it sounds) and copious amounts of Kingfisher lager.
And then on to the midnight celebrations with me girlie Emma and friend and colleague Adam in the Hole in the Wall. A few goths and teenage arseholes around, but overall a really-good natured night. Some sambuccas guaranteed that this morning was a total write-off but this afternoon was spent productively perusing Lara's pixels on tomb raider, eating Pringles and generally wasting my life.
A bad start then to one of my new year's resolutions - to lose weight. Another is to update this blog more regularly, because I know now that some people do actually read it. Thanks for comments and stuff - if you have a chance to post anything on it feel free. The more abusive and funny the better.
Speak soon.
Probably one of the best New Year's Eves I've had in some time. Had a good curry which was punctuated by one of the staff constantly coming over to adjust a dial or something or other which was located not a million miles away from my rump. Apparently they were having electrical problems and he was looking at fuses - a likely story when there's some prime ass like mine to be viewed. In case you're interested, lamb Dopiaza, Sag paneer (cheese and spinach, which is a lot nicer than it sounds) and copious amounts of Kingfisher lager.
And then on to the midnight celebrations with me girlie Emma and friend and colleague Adam in the Hole in the Wall. A few goths and teenage arseholes around, but overall a really-good natured night. Some sambuccas guaranteed that this morning was a total write-off but this afternoon was spent productively perusing Lara's pixels on tomb raider, eating Pringles and generally wasting my life.
A bad start then to one of my new year's resolutions - to lose weight. Another is to update this blog more regularly, because I know now that some people do actually read it. Thanks for comments and stuff - if you have a chance to post anything on it feel free. The more abusive and funny the better.
Speak soon.
Sunday, 7 December 2008
Smug git
Out of total smugness I am going to post a message I sent to a Facebook friend on Friday night:
Hi matey,Well here it is. I expect Khan to win, probably in ugly fashion. Having never seen Pascal I don't know what to expect of him, but he'd better be supercharged if he doesn't want to get wiped out. Macarinelli's fight seems to be in limbo, but for the record I'd have picked him to win whoever he was facing.
And onto the main event. Similarly to Haye Macarinelli earlier in the year, every time I think about it I see something different. But one thing I am certain of: It's not going to be anywhere near as easy as everyone thinks. Not only does Pacquiao have a fantastic chin, but he will undoubtedly be fitter than De La Hoya, who almost always fades down the stretch. And does Oscar really hit that hard? Knocking out wildman Mayorga isn't enough for me. The left hook is a potent weapon - but then Manny has Freddie Roach as his trainer, the best in the world.
My prediction is Pacquaio on points. I think - unlike every other prediction I have seen - he will employ a style designed to frustrate Oscar, darting in, landing hard hooks and using his hand speed. A brawling type fight will see him knocked out within ten minutes. The pressure is on Oscar, and he is no Marquez. Every pressure fight he has been in in the past few years has seen him fall away and I have a vision of him pursuing a tiring Pacquiao round the ring but ultimately falling short.However, I do like some of the odds you found. In the Ring last month they picked out odds of around 1/2 on Oscar and 7/2 on Pacquaio - meaning 300 on Oscar and 100 on Pac will, bring you a return no matter who wins. However the odds on Pac have shortened considerably. Looking at the odds you posted it might be worth a few pounds here and there on a late round stoppage for de la hoya and Manny on points.Whatever, tomorrow night is just awesome. And imagine the winner vs Ricky next year....
OK Pac actually knocked De La Hoya out, but who's counting, apart from the ref. I love being right. Shame it never happens with my football predictions...
Hi matey,Well here it is. I expect Khan to win, probably in ugly fashion. Having never seen Pascal I don't know what to expect of him, but he'd better be supercharged if he doesn't want to get wiped out. Macarinelli's fight seems to be in limbo, but for the record I'd have picked him to win whoever he was facing.
And onto the main event. Similarly to Haye Macarinelli earlier in the year, every time I think about it I see something different. But one thing I am certain of: It's not going to be anywhere near as easy as everyone thinks. Not only does Pacquiao have a fantastic chin, but he will undoubtedly be fitter than De La Hoya, who almost always fades down the stretch. And does Oscar really hit that hard? Knocking out wildman Mayorga isn't enough for me. The left hook is a potent weapon - but then Manny has Freddie Roach as his trainer, the best in the world.
My prediction is Pacquaio on points. I think - unlike every other prediction I have seen - he will employ a style designed to frustrate Oscar, darting in, landing hard hooks and using his hand speed. A brawling type fight will see him knocked out within ten minutes. The pressure is on Oscar, and he is no Marquez. Every pressure fight he has been in in the past few years has seen him fall away and I have a vision of him pursuing a tiring Pacquiao round the ring but ultimately falling short.However, I do like some of the odds you found. In the Ring last month they picked out odds of around 1/2 on Oscar and 7/2 on Pacquaio - meaning 300 on Oscar and 100 on Pac will, bring you a return no matter who wins. However the odds on Pac have shortened considerably. Looking at the odds you posted it might be worth a few pounds here and there on a late round stoppage for de la hoya and Manny on points.Whatever, tomorrow night is just awesome. And imagine the winner vs Ricky next year....
OK Pac actually knocked De La Hoya out, but who's counting, apart from the ref. I love being right. Shame it never happens with my football predictions...
Wednesday, 3 December 2008
Monday, 1 December 2008
Noel, oh Hell
Christmas is here. Enjoying it so far but there's still time for me to become a grumpy old curmudgeon, muttering swearwords at children playing hoops on the streets from beneath my top hat and cursing the world and its festive happiness.
Already sick of a couple of adverts though. That "Here come the girls" Boots abomination for example. The lustre, for me, was somewhat tarnished when I saw said song being ravaged by the Sugababes on some ITV shambles called "A night in with slappers" or something. They were dancing in a random, twisted fashion, as if shots of sporadic electrical voltage were being passed through their loins. Both the vocals and movements left me unsatisfied, which is rare when the Sugababes are concerned.
So that advert, where hordes of rampant menopausal, desperate or even worse intelligent women throw on a load of slap prowl for any flesh with a Y chromosome inside it really isn't my cup of vodka.
Equally that "If there's anything that you want" advert. I don't even know who it's an advert for. possibly Tesco or Argos. Maybe Woolies. Or Rumbelows. Don't know, don't care. I've heard it far too many times to enjoy now.
I saw the Coca Cola advert for the first time yesterday with the convoy of trucks going up the mountains. A great ad, although that amount of coke would only feed my brother for a day or two. I wonder where they go for the rest of the year. And do the drivers have any other songs on their radio other than "Holidays are coming"? And wouldn't it be funny if they opened the doors and someone had replaced the whole stock, bottle for bottle, with Panda Cola. "I knew we shouldn't have stopped off in Wisbech" would be the cry.
Started thinking about presents as well. Already given a few people my patented algebra advent calendar, where you have to work out the equation to figure out which flap to open - an incorrect answer leads to a poison dart or plague of locusts flying out. This morning I got a few angry phonecalls from devastated farmers and the police. You win some, you lose some.
The tree's up and the neighbours aren't happy. Still, if they had a 500ft tall Christmas tree/stinging nettle hybrid, surely they'd want to show it off too? I'll admit the giant barbary apes living inside are noisy, but they'll settle down soon. Either that or they'll freeze to death and crash through the roofs of the houses below, settling the problem.
Take it easy
John
Already sick of a couple of adverts though. That "Here come the girls" Boots abomination for example. The lustre, for me, was somewhat tarnished when I saw said song being ravaged by the Sugababes on some ITV shambles called "A night in with slappers" or something. They were dancing in a random, twisted fashion, as if shots of sporadic electrical voltage were being passed through their loins. Both the vocals and movements left me unsatisfied, which is rare when the Sugababes are concerned.
So that advert, where hordes of rampant menopausal, desperate or even worse intelligent women throw on a load of slap prowl for any flesh with a Y chromosome inside it really isn't my cup of vodka.
Equally that "If there's anything that you want" advert. I don't even know who it's an advert for. possibly Tesco or Argos. Maybe Woolies. Or Rumbelows. Don't know, don't care. I've heard it far too many times to enjoy now.
I saw the Coca Cola advert for the first time yesterday with the convoy of trucks going up the mountains. A great ad, although that amount of coke would only feed my brother for a day or two. I wonder where they go for the rest of the year. And do the drivers have any other songs on their radio other than "Holidays are coming"? And wouldn't it be funny if they opened the doors and someone had replaced the whole stock, bottle for bottle, with Panda Cola. "I knew we shouldn't have stopped off in Wisbech" would be the cry.
Started thinking about presents as well. Already given a few people my patented algebra advent calendar, where you have to work out the equation to figure out which flap to open - an incorrect answer leads to a poison dart or plague of locusts flying out. This morning I got a few angry phonecalls from devastated farmers and the police. You win some, you lose some.
The tree's up and the neighbours aren't happy. Still, if they had a 500ft tall Christmas tree/stinging nettle hybrid, surely they'd want to show it off too? I'll admit the giant barbary apes living inside are noisy, but they'll settle down soon. Either that or they'll freeze to death and crash through the roofs of the houses below, settling the problem.
Take it easy
John
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